This transcript has been edited for clarity.

Episode 001 – Confessions of the Cult Sisters

April 2023

T: Hi, I’m Tracey.

S: And I’m Sharon.

T: And we are Feet of Clay – Confessions of the Cult Sisters.

S: Okay, are you seeing the script, or not?

T: That wasn’t in the script.

S: Yeah, I just forwarded it to you. Potential script outline for short intro to your I what the fuck episode 72.

T: Yeah, and then look underneath it, it just says…

S: Standard intro, ad lib somewhat. Wait a second, this is so weird. Alright, this is so weird.

T: It doesn’t say that! So I figured we were just going to do a regular thing.

S: Okay, okay wait. Or maybe because you’re on ancient Yahoo.

…

T: Hi, I’m Tracey.

S: And I’m Sharon.

T: And this is our podcast, Feet of Clay.

S: Confessions of the Cult Sisters. Okay, Tracey, so back in March you were a guest on the podcast I was a Teenage Fundamentalist. And on that show you gave the summary of your story, so starting with becoming this radical born again Christian when you were 15 years old; being totally inspired by Keith Green, then joining Last Days Ministries at age 18; you got married there, you left Last Days a number of years later, then you went through this very painful process over a number of years, finally coming out of the whole cultish belief system we were all in.

T: Uh huh.

S: I just listened to that again, and it just made me think, I really want to ask – how are you feeling now after having done that interview, and of course we’re kicking off our own podcast journey. What are your emotions?

T: Ohhh, huh. How am I feeling? What are my emotions? How am I feeling???

S: Yeah, how are you feeling?

T: Let me count the ways. I am going to answer that, but I do want to preface it by saying one of the things I’ve noticed in my own brain and in listening to a lot of other podcasts and interviews; whenever you start to unpack topics like emotional and spiritual abuse and trauma, that there’s never really an easy answer. It doesn’t go in a nice linear line from point A to point B. So, when you ask me how I’m feeling it is more like a web of emotions, and all these things are firing up. I know that’s something I think we’ve all noticed, and not wanting to get caught up and confuse the listener by all these competing things, but for me it wasn’t just one thing. I am unearthing kind of a sleeping dog that’s been quiet for years.

S: Wait, wait. Unearthing a sleeping dog. Did you bury the sleeping dog?

(laughter)

S: That sounds kinda sick, you know.

T: It does sound kinda sick. Let sleeping dogs lie, right?

S: But not buried.

T: They’re not buried.

S: Okay.

T: It is a thing – there are going to be people who wish I hadn’t said anything. I’m mindful of that, and I’m sobered by that, because one of the other emotions is this nostalgia for this group of people that I loved, that I gave myself to for so long. There’s also that awareness that this is going to poke at people; poke at my family, poke at people that were at Last Days. I will say that as soon as I finished recording I said out loud – to nobody, because nobody was in the room with me – well, I can’t go back now. Just that sense of I’m putting on the record these things that happened, so there’s definitely a bit of – it wasn’t dread, but a little bit of yikes.

S: Like you jumped off the high dive, right. You’re in the air, and how long is it before you hit the water?

T: And what are these people that I do love going to think? You were one of them, what is Sharon going to say? What are the people who experienced this thing going to say? So there was that, and I said to myself one of the things that was really rising – if you imagine it as a web of all these different points of emotions kind of lighting up, two of the points I would say that were kind of flashing the brightest was a definite sense of grief that I wasn’t prepared to visit again, because you and I had walked away many, many years ago and I have thought I’d worked through a lot of those emotions, but in opening this back up I realized I so much wanted to get out and get into freedom that I was relieved – I was relieved to be out of this mindset, I’m concerned about my children, I’m trying to care for them, and I really hadn’t taken the time to grieve my own youth. So as I’ve unearthed some of these picture and looking through old journals, I was a baby.

S: Yeah, yeah.

T: And just, I think in a more real way of I – as a mother’s heart who have children now older than I was at that time, definitely feel that sense of grief for that lost youth.  And not just for me; there’s been some great responses from others, and unfortunately I’m not alone. I’m not the only one that’s experienced these things. This has resonated with far too many people who have undergone very similar things, either at the same place we were at, or at very similar ones, so that grief of just their experiences and experiences that I participated in or experiences I’m getting to hear that were very similar. So definitely grief was flashing brighter, and then anger.

S: Okay.

T: Just knowing that I wasn’t alone; that I’m not the only one going through this; that I am poking at stories that need to be told while others are out there telling the opposite story.

S: So who, and/or what do you feel angry at? Are you feeling angry at yourself; angry at all of us; angry at individuals in particular, or a system – what’s the target of that anger?

T: I think through the years I’ve had my own anger towards myself, but I think afresh on the 40^th anniversary of the plane crash that took Keith’s life, there was a celebration where some old LDMers got together to celebrate Keith’s life, and the message of Last Days, and that really made me angry. How do you come together  and the message of that was to pass the baton to the next generation; we all should serve God like Keith served; we should have that passion; we should have that no compromise attitude, and inside me just rising up – no! Noo. This is not something that should be praised and lauded and lifted up. This has brought a lot of hurt and a lot of damage, not just to myself but to my children, and to countless others who have read those newsletters and read those articles, and the amount of condemnation and shame that has taken years, right? Years for us to unwind and unpack.

S: That’s right.

T: So that’s really – part of the purpose is this cannot continue to be a one-sided message of isn’t that how we all should follow Jesus? It’s no.

S: You’re right. I just want to tell you I think you did an amazing job on that interview. It was very inspiring to me, and I’m also really glad because that’s what finally kickstarted this new journey of us together, telling our stories, that’s in fact also because that first foray, that interview you gave was so good that you and I talked about it and we decided that rather than try to do a recreation of it, it just makes more sense to go ahead and link this, our first episode of Feet of Clay direct to Tracey’s interview on I was a Teenage Fundamentalist, episode 72.

T: Yes, and part of those emotions is such gratitude that you are so excited about doing this and that we’ve been able to reconnect on this level. For years we’ve talked about putting our story down, so definitely excitement about doing that. So yes, folks, you’ll see the link below in the show notes in the description. We’re finally getting started with Feet of Clay – Confessions of the Cult Sisters, and we’re going to have many more episodes to come to unpack all of this.

S: So we’re aiming for probably about every two weeks, but I can’t make any solid promises ok, it’s just a hope and a goal.

T: Yes, but I’m going to be holding us to something very similar to that. So everyone, please be sure to subscribe to us, Feet of Clay – Confessions of the Cult Sisters, wherever you get your podcasts. Also check us out on Instagram, that is Feet of Clay Cult Sisters. You’ll find lots of images and interesting tid bits ranging from the funny to the freaky to the crazy to the cringeworthy…

S: Oh my god, some of it is so, so cringeworthy.

T: Sooo cringeworthy!

S: Alright, so without any further ado, everybody please enjoy Tracey’s story by clicking on the link below. See you next time.